We can agree that there seems to be a shortage of good people in this world, right? If you are a parent or are a prospective parent, let’s jump into a few tips on changing the world with those amazing kids!

First, just a few disclaimers about my commentary here:

This is NOT some “be all, end all” guide; just a particular point of view from a guy with 20 years of experience
This is NOT written by an expert; just a dad who has learned along the way and wants to help others on the same journey
This is NOT meant to indicate that you have to have children to be happy (but it sure has helped me)

Let’s continue then…

So… what is the point of having children?

Aside from the supernatural result of sex, what is the point of having kids? Why do all of these humans all over the planet intentionally procreate?

As of the writing of this blog, I have eight children with number nine due in a couple months along with six frustrating and painful miscarriages along the way. Having children is messy business and you risk so much to engage in life so fully.

When my wife and I were dating/engaged, we were pretty young and naïve and never really talked about family planning very much, but shortly after we were married we found out that she had reproductive issues, so we got started right away and never looked back.

The past two decades have been filled with more joy and laughter than I can begin to describe; there has been so much heartache as well. Aside from losing six of our hopeful "dreams” in miscarriages, my wife’s life was nearly taken from us last year due to miscarriage complications.

Every one of our children is an immense gift.

April 14, 2001 - the day I became a father

Why do we have kids?

What is the purpose in mind?

Here are just some of the reasons that my wife and I have embarked on having a large family - we do not do any of this out of some sort of obligation or sense of duty, but for the joy that comes out of it and the great influence we can be to those around us:

What greater purpose or calling could there be for us in life? —or— How could we find more fulfilment in doing anything BUT this?
We are able to invest fully into another human being to show them love and compassion.
We can instill our values and ethics into them to give the world more good people.
We are biologically engineered for this, so why not dive in head first into being and embracing “the way we were made”
- Note: this particular comment is not all written to instill any pressure or guilt on those that have overwhelming burdens of not being able to procreate. Please know that we have fought infertility and reproductive issues for decades, so we understand the heartache!
I believe that one of the greatest ways to understand who you are and why you are here and how to live is to enter into relationship with a child; to see life from an innocent unjaded being that often times unintentionally holds up a figurative mirror.

So…. here are just a few thoughts you might want to consider. All paternal bias aside (and I have many!), I think that these approaches have worked quite well in raising my kids.

A few topics that I’ll be commenting on:

Home - Unique - Time - Good - Foundation

Laugh - Correction - Apologize - Love

Home schooling - not just an alternative.

The world would tell you that children are a burden, leech and constant headache.

The world would tell you that your child needs to be in every sport and be the top of his/her class and be a shiny example of what a trophy child is.

The world would tell you that its government will gladly take your children all day and will inundate them with propaganda and peer pressure that may very well scar them for life.

My wife has homeschooled our children since 2008; I was very hesitant to the idea but after she explained to me that not all homeschool moms wear denim jumpers and bonnets, I became more interested. :)

In America, the default path for children of age is to be turned over to the government and let the city/county/state employees run with them — or, if you have financial means, then you could afford the upgrade of sending them to a private school.

That being said, I am very pro-home education as I don’t believe it to be some sort of weird, newly concocted alternative. Until somewhat recently, it was the gold standard and was simply an extension of child-rearing. The parents just kept being the parents in all categories of life until their children were old enough to venture off on their own, or pursue higher education.

While there are situations (financial restrictions/single income, physical limitations, lack of two parents) where public/private education may be a necessary or preferred method of education, I do have to sincerely wonder why parents would willingly choose to not be an integral part in raising them during their most formative years.

If you are reading this and currently send your children to a public or private school, please know that this isn’t criticism towards you and your choices at all, but I hope it at least makes you consider the wonder and adventure that awaits you should you choose to take a more active role in your children’s education. Your relationship with them will flourish!

My wife has no formal training or education on BEING an educator, yet she throws herself into it fully and does an amazing job.

Embrace their uniqueness.

I like to joke that my wife and I have eight children, one of each type… they are all so diverse!

Instead of trying to force them to be a little mini-me carbon copy of yourself or your spouse, embrace their passions and invest in their individuality to see them fully alive.

I am currently a parent to an artist, a musician, a glass-blower, a superior video game player, an athlete, a thinker, an animal lover, a jokester, an analyst, a philanthropist, a goofball and the list goes on… I love their diversity. I love when I see pieces of myself in them. I love when I see pieces of my wife in them. I love when I see something that is completely and fully unique to only them!

Embrace your children’s imbued gender qualities while encouraging their individuality and expression in their talents and passions.

Spend time with them.

This might sound overly trite and simple, but this one is so critical.

Due to enrollment in the private or public school system, many parents are already at a deficit when it comes to investing time into their children’s lives. They are already stuck with the leftovers (when it comes to time).

When people ask us why our children are so good and well adjusted, they are often baffled at the response I give them: we spend time with them!

Similar to a marriage and how it can thrive or suffer, the more you spend time with someone and experience life together, the more your spirits are knit together!

Go on adventures with your boys, take your daughters on dates, work on yard projects together, teach your young ones how to love others in need. This time invested will reap the most amazing results.

Tell your children how good they are.

This one directly comes out of poor religious experiences I had as a child. I was often told, “There is none that does good, no not one” —or— “Your good works are like filthy rags” —or— “Compared to how I love God, my affection to you should be similar to hate”.

This does nothing to nurture the soul of a child but instead, it eats away at them like a cancer. It tells them that they are bad, by default — they take on the embodiment of a bad person who is capable of doing good, as opposed to a good person who can occasionally do bad things.

Despite failing, faltering or not even hitting the mark, reinforce the good in them! Tell them how proud you are of them. Tell your boys, “You are such an amazing man.” — tell your daughters, “You are the most beautiful girl in the world.”.

This isn’t glossing over and being trivial, this is going past the outer shell of fallibility and speaking to their soul; their spirit. Use words and actions to communicate how you see them for who they really are and that you LOVE that person.

A good friend of mine uses this phrase that I think of often: “Start with what’s right.”

Embrace them, kiss them and shower them with good, positive and uplifting encouragement.

Do this ESPECIALLY when they “don’t deserve it”.

Give them a solid foundation but without indoctrination.

When you teach your children, teach them the “why” behind the “how”… teach them why things matter, why something is important, why we should/shouldn’t do things. Don’t just flippantly reference an arbitrary book, chapter or verse (I’m looking at you, Bible thumpers) — engage with the logic, common sense and “nature” of it all. This will resonate with them and give them something concrete to fall back on as they grow in their logic and reasoning and end up making decisions for themselves.

Nature around us is screaming out how things are supposed to be and what happens when we go against that intent. Don’t just regurgitate what your pastor said, what the folks on TV said, what celebrities said… use real world examples, scenarios and base logic to help them learn, understand and grow.

Give them freedom then to come to conclusions based on that groundwork and let yourself be open to learning and growing with what they bring to the table. Ask them for THEIR opinion on varied topics and be prepared to have your eyes opened!

Laugh. A lot.

Life can get you down, can’t it?

There’s a lot of heavy stuff to contend with in life, but if you look hard enough, you’ll find these moments that are just pure gold, and that is where the good stuff is.

It should be fairly obvious that with 8 kids, it isn’t very quiet around our home, and that is just fine.

We cry through the hard times and we laugh our butts off at the funny moments… we enjoy life together and we love being goofballs. It helps us not take life too seriously and to truly enjoy time with each other. Laughter is the best medicine and having a giggle along the way is so good for relationship.

Throw away that damn spanking spoon, for good.

Among the myriad issues and flaws in Christianity, one of the larger failures is the misunderstanding and misinterpreting of an ancient saying that states “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. As someone who received their fair share of butt-paddlings and someone who at the beginning of his parenting, regretfully carried out that same tradition, I feel like I can speak with some level of authority on this one.

The knee-jerk reaction to strike your child after any sort of “disobedience” is completely and utter bullshit. There, I said it. And I mean it.

Aside from the flawed traditional background, it is usually only predicated by a parent’s anger and completely removes the conversation and discussion portion of correcting bad behavior. It is a continual practice in patience and self control to approach these situations with a level head.

This is not to say that poor behavior should be glossed over and simply ignored and not dealt with. I highly suggest that you be patient and spend the time to first distinguish between “childishness” vs. “willful rebellion”. Kids make mistakes; they have short attention spans and many times will not be as “evil” as are portrayed when they do something that makes you unhappy. My wife has been an amazing help by helping me to see their heart in the matter so as to determine where they are coming from.

Quit being lazy by avoiding the longer and more helpful correction. You must be patient.

Enter into conflict resolution with a quiet heart that is working towards relationship and resolution.

And don’t ever…. ever provoke.

As your kids enter into the more challenging teenage years (thanks a lot, puberty and hormones!), you will be called on for more and more reserve and quiet responses. It will be challenging and you will fail (I sure have, lots of times), but you will accomplish so much more with a meek and peaceful approach (again, my dear wife has helped me so much with this).

Learn how to apologize!

I have failed many times as a father. And guess what — so has my dad. And so has his. The list goes on. We are human and we err… so, how should we respond when we’ve obviously done wrong with our children? Even with good intentions, we can very easily be too harsh, too quick to anger, not patient enough, take a joke too far, be too gruff, etc…

It is difficult at first, but like any habit it becomes easier in time — apologize to them. And I mean, REALLY apologize to them — don’t say “I’m sorry”, like it is a simple checkbox. Tell them why you failed and how you know it hurts their heart and reassure them that you are working to improve those areas in your life because you don’t want to hurt them.

The hearts of these children are resilient yet very sensitive. By letting them know that you are aware of your mistake, you are not just repairing a break in your relationship, you are teaching them how to do the same thing.

Be an example of how to humble yourself in a situation, even when you are in a position of leadership / authority. The apology you offer your child will be a healing salve to them and a great teaching opportunity.

Love them unconditionally.

Your children will fail. They will do wrong. They will likely break your heart at times.

It is your job, role and responsibility to love them no matter what.

You gifted them with life and a home; your job doesn’t end when they get older and become more self reliant. The problems and scenarios just morph into a different variety.

If you, as a reader, crave complete love and acceptance from your parents regardless of any predicament, scenario, belief or lifestyle you find yourself in, please consider that your child also covets and deserves the same from you!

Love and nurture their soul.

Show affection and don’t be afraid to hug and kiss them. And for the love of God - tell them that you love them. Say those words! Show them all what it means to be a loving father; defy the societal norms of today and be a strong yet intimate and connected dad.